draft

I’m still steadily (or not so steadily) working on my second creative nonfiction essay. And I kept struggling with the issue of what’s the point, the problem. I just kept running into the fact that I don’t always necessarily write for a point. I write to tell a story. But I had Dr. Morris’s words echoing in my head that I needed there to be a point to this essay and have it not just be a story. So I wrote about the happenings that occur on the shuttle bus here at Kutztown University. We all brought our drafts to class today, and I thought mine was pretty good for a first draft, but I knew that it definitely needed work. I approached Dr. Morris to ask her to read over my draft and give me a couple of suggestions. We both agreed that this portion of my draft was the best part because they connect.

“It’s Saturday night, and me and my friends are ready to party. Our heels clack against the floor as we shuffle to find out seats on the bus. My eyes meet a boys eyes in the back of the bus. The bus smelled of all the different perfumes and colognes of the passengers on board mixed together. I smiled at the boy in the back before sitting down. As I sat down I adjusted my tank top to show a little bit more cleavage. All of my girlfriends noticed him too. Now it is a battle to see who will get his attention first. I was sitting on the aisle seat, and I made the first move. I got up, walked back toward him, and I took the seat next to him. All of my friend’s jaws dropped.

*

The bus was filled with cat calls as the girl got up. She was wearing a floral tank top, a tiny skirt, and wedged high heels. She looked good, and she knew that she looked good. She was the type of girl that had been around the block a few times. She was walking toward me. Had she noticed me looking at her when she got on the bus? What will I say to her? She’s getting closer now. Oh god. All that for nothing. She walked right past me to the football player sitting behind me. How could I have thought she was interested in me?”

Dr. Morris and I agreed that this was the strongest and most compelling part of my essay so far. But that lingering question what’s the point? Well, Dr. Morris, my point is to show that the shuttle bus is obviously a means of transportation, but it is more than just a way to get from point A to point B. With that I know that something significant needs to happen to show that. So, since this part of my story is the strongest I am going to kind of ax the rest of my draft and elaborate on this occurrence.  I want to go into the perspective of the girls friend and have her jealous that her friend got the attention of the guy and she didn’t. And I want to go into a perspective of another onlooker on the bus who notices the disappointment of the kid who was overlooked. That’s where I’m at so far so now I just need to actually write it ;).